Dear Diary,

Today I saw *redacted* hold hands with my friend. It makes me so sad. I liked *redacted* first! I hate myself SO FREAKING MUCH. Why are they dating already when I told her to not flirt with her. UGH! I’m so frustrated. I’ll scream at her tomorrow. Bye.

Of all the diaries I owned, sketchbooks I bought, and poems I’ve typed, I always talked about the struggle of loving others and not being loved back. I always thought that maybe, just maybe, if I love someone with all of my soul, all of my being, I would have someone do the same for me. Sadly, life isn’t a movie where a new kid walks in your life and you fall for each other. There are so many algorithms and small parts that affect the present and things just don’t fit in like a glove.

As one of Newton’s laws of motion stated, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I thought this applied to everything, so I attempted to swoon the hearts of my crushes and endlessly failed. I thought that maybe if I worked hard enough, I’ll get back all the love I give. In the end, I only got hurt more and more until there was a hole in my soul that was too deep to heal with I love you’s and tangible things.

I looked for love in the smiles of people, the roofs of homes, and stories that weren’t mine. It turns out, the love that I gave others, I should’ve given to myself. I had no idea that self-love existed, and that loving yourself was possible. For so long, I longed for the affection I could have easily given myself. Now knowing that self-love is a thing, I try to exercise it regularly.

With the help of therapy, how I think about myself changed drastically. The letters I wrote to myself branched out from hatred towards myself and others to words of encouragement and appreciation for the little things in life.

The slow and steady steps toward self-love requires a lot of patience and won’t be an easy path. The growth of loving yourself is very much like a plant: it needs a lot of time and care until it eventually blooms into a flower. The sores and wounds of self-hatred are usually deep and painful, so even the little steps are overwhelming to a lot of us. Just know that you’ll be where you want to be both mentally and physically, eventually.

Dear Self,

You went shopping today. Unfortunately, it was an impulsive shopping trip, but it’s okay. Tomorrow, we’ll have our first appointment for therapy. I hope it goes well and I hope that you’ll do well emotionally and mentally soon too. I hope you love yourself soon.

All the love,

Gabby

By Gabrielle Calara

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