This year of university was filled with a lot of learning, predominantly in terms of self-worth and self-care. I’m someone who’s prone to giving more than I get and—in the least self-pitiful way possible—I doubt that will ever change; but I’m trying to be better.

I wasted a lot of my own time this year and that’s something I’m struggling to forgive myself for. I’d swipe through dating apps for a couple of hours every week—if you’re embarrassed to know me, be aware that I’m more embarrassed that this was me. I’d go on to speak to someone for a few days, and in one case, a few months. (Side note: due to him living a little way away, we never even met and he’s now with someone else… but there are no hard feelings. Double side note: we randomly bumped into each other six months later and just smiled from across the road at each other, so really, no hard feelings.)

I misspent my energy getting nervous and stressed over mixed signals. I’d try to decipher simple messages and, ultimately, found myself constantly led on. I was asked out and then bailed on, ghosted—multiple times. I received empty promises of meeting up, found myself ignored in person by someone I’d spoken to on Tinder, had previous ““things”” ask me for advice regarding new girls they were interested in, and I even experienced the painfully comical, “saw you at the gig last night…”. I think these people just liked (or rather used) me as they knew I’d always be around and ready to respond if they were bored. I was the back-up plan; in need of a little attention for your own ego? I’d jump at the opportunity to entertain! For a long time, I didn’t really see anything wrong with it. I had convinced myself that they cared for me; at least they’d shown some interest, they’d flirted with me before, told me they thought I was cool or interesting… surely there was a little something still there, right? Luckily some pub chats with a close friend helped me to get a grip and some self-respect.

“If they wanted to, then they would.” That’s what we concluded. Whether that’s friends, potential romantic partners, or even family members, it’s an important piece of advice to keep in mind. All of the people in your life should feel just as excited to spend time with or speak to you, as you do them.

Since then, I’ve deleted all the apps. They work for some people and I understand the appeal, but they’re not for me. They were damaging to my self-esteem and mental health. Outside my phone, I’ve worked at making more changes; now I only offer my time and effort to those who do the same for me. In all honesty, it’s probably made my social life a little less busy, but I think it’s been positive. Knowing that the people you’re hanging out with love you back is definitely good for you. Next time I’m interested in someone, I’ll try to avoid wasting my time. Maybe I’ll introduce a straightforward and honest conversation. It might be important to ask them how they feel about me: “Do I make you feel shy?”

By Yazz James

Do I Make You Feel Shy?